The Night Before An Examination

                                           It was the night before my examinations. I was appearing for my matriculation examination, for the third time. Come on, even intelligent people fail their exams too!! It was that “butterflies in stomach” Part-3 once again. Not for me, hah.. am talking about my parents. God knows why they took so much of tension about my exams. I had warned my parents of Diabetes and Ulcers way back, but they would never listen. I even asked them to emulate my carefree attitude when it came to exams, but they were one ignorant lot who would not heed good advice. Anyways, I was cool as a cucumber, because this time I had decided that it would not be the Season Three of some failed daily soap. I had made all fool-proof arrangements to pass this time. My dedication, patience, perseverance and persistence would definitely see me through my exams this time around. Day in and day out, I had sacrificed all my useless activities that kept me unduly busy; computer games, movies, parties, discos.. everything! I gave up everything as soon as the exam time table was announced. All my energy and efforts were now aimed at one single objective: getting the question paper somehow!!

Patience is always rewarded, so are genuine efforts and dedication. I was lucky enough to discover a gem of a person in one of my class-mates, whom I revered as my senior, coz he had failed thrice in the same exam. He would have made one hell of a statesman beating even Dr. Kissinger I must say. Well, coming back to our topic, he was generous enough to share that highly secret piece of information, though for a paltry fee, which unfortunately was monumental for a person like me. Robbing a bank would have been an easier option, but I decided to settle for something less adventurous, like that of selling my father’s diamond wedding ring, which he would often take off whenever he would be cross with my mum, and forget about it. The paper was finally in my hands, and so were the answers, all clearly micro-copied and ready to be penned down after retrieving them from my clothes in the examination hall. All was set, but one huge question still remained unanswered; how do I spend my night before the exams?

I decided to go to a movie, but I didn’t want to lose my only father. I mean the poor guy would have suffered a stroke hearing my decision so I opted against it. Disco was next to be discarded. Bars, a great alternative though, were out of question too, for reasons obvious to the examiner here am sure, right sir? So I decided to take just a leisurely walk around my quiet neighborhood, and call it quits for the day. It was around 9 in the night when I was astounded to see a queer machine humming and revving around the corner of the street, with lights that gave the impression of a flying discotheque. Well, as my prudent readers have guessed already, it was indeed a UFO!! Am sure other people would have turned around and fled the scene; but yours truly was sort of a subtly more adventurous kind of soul. So I tried peeping into the a window that seemed very inviting and was amused to see two midgets playing cards and drinking some other planet’s ale. As I watched in rapt attention, they took notice of me, and before I could respond, I was giving them company in the small, cramped little flying bowl. They tried a lot to communicate, but my E.T. was terrible.. as terrible as their English. And they had like flangers in their vocal chords, which I must say are a nice change for a few minutes, but imagine having that voice effect like that in your spouse and you would know what I mean.

Before we could even exchange pleasantries, they had fled the scene, with me on board! I was like frustrated and annoyed and angered! Not about leaving my place, come on! I could not collect my stuff, that’s why! Anyways, we landed soon for a refill of their ship which they located in a huge heap outside the city-limits. I never thought that even manure mixed with champagne could fuel a UFO, but then, as they say, strange are God’s doings. I was looking forward to a relaxed weekend with these chaps, or maybe a few months of fun and frolic, just when Mother Nature intervened in an un-called-for fashion. I always knew beans disagreed with my digestion but my Mum never agreed. The beans along with the cabbage I had had for dinner worked up a volcano in my stomach.. a volcano of gas though. As the gas found vent and thought itself lucky, little did it know that there was no further vent out from this small tin can! The two mariners of yonder space suddenly panicked.. they first checked for fuel leaks, but obviously as I already told you that manure was one important part of their fuel. Finding everything perfect, except for the foul odor, they finally turned towards me and discussed some important matter amongst themselves. One of them then came with a spray can, maybe a room freshener I guess, and sprayed it. Before I could react, I was fast asleep. It was some sort of sedative spray. When I came back to my senses, I was lying in some strange land which I had never seen before.

As I got up to explore the surroundings, I made out that it was more like some desert. I had long-distance calling enabled on my cell so I whipped it out to at least call my folks back home and inform them. But, the cell company beeped back in my ear: Dear Customer, we have permitted you only long-distance calling, not inter-planetary calling. Kindly get in touch with our international head for getting this feature activated!

Damn, so I was on another planet!! Now I knew the meaning of three Suns setting in the sky when I came to my senses! I had thought maybe it was my usual hang-over! Oh Heavens! How do I go back? Maybe not to my house, but to some inhabited land which would be fun, hmm? And here I was, in midst of nowhere. But God had pity on me very soon. No, I did not find my way back home, but I was instead, joined presently by a group of tin-people who seemed neither like humans, or dolls or robots, but they definitely were one of them. They were fun people coz they danced in my presence a funny dance and carried me to a factory like place where many more like them were waiting with long screw-drivers in their hands. A very enterprising lot I thought, but not when they advanced to dismember me with those tools, to get a fairer idea of what lay beneath my innocent exteriors! I ran to save my skin, literally, coz they would have skinned me first and jumped from an open window. As I fell, I remembered the fall of all the great things; like the Great Holy Roman Empire, which was neither Great, nor Holy, nor Roman and nor entirely an Empire when it fell. But that was not my concern dear reader at that time. I was falling in inter-stellar space.

The fall was smooth, but very long. Come on, you don’t expect me to fall from some remote planet with a thud, do you? While falling, as if in slow-motion, I passed many galaxies, all many many light years far from our own, some of them so far that I thought why the scientists have not thought of renaming the distances as heavy years, instead of light years. Anyways, I was busy looking around because I could not anything else but fall, and watch the view. On my way, I saw a terrible place where all old folks were praying with beads and rosaries; quiet streams bubbling, green lawns, moving around with halos around themselves.. great for nights though, huh, carry your own light? But the overall ambience gave the impression of Hell I guess. And I saw real heaven too, with people making merry playing pranks on others; they would lift some guy and dip him in boiling oil, make barbecues of them, marinate and microwave them, blend them in huge mixers-blenders and even flush them down a john too. How innovative these guys are getting I thought! I caught a glimpse of an old man who lead the team; he had a white turban on his forehead, bearded and had two bullet marks on forehead. His clothes were dripping wet, as if he had Bin Laden, oops, I mean, as if he had Been Laiden to rest in some watery grave!!

Well, I was falling, and force of gravity varies from planet to planet I guess, so finally when I was drawn to the gravity of our dear planet Earth, I was sucked in with great force, so much so that , my clothes turned to ash and I plummeted down with the speed of a rocket. I was sure to die when I touched ground so my instincts made me shout out loud, and in a split second, I landed with a bang.. on my bed! My clothes were okay, so was I. The alarm clock was cooing loudly to wake me up. It was thankfully still early for my examination. It was a night I still remember to this day!!